While many people say, “I want to know if the sex is good before we get married,” in God’s wisdom is designed a repeated pleasurable experience that develops and unfolds in a marriage. So, work here isn’t hard labor; work is patience, understanding, desire, love, and growth.
It’s noteworthy that many people grow up with traumas that are carried into marriage. Some people have been sexually abused or molested in one way or another. Others have had sexual experiences before marriage. And some people preserve their virginity for marriage. These differences are important to understand between partners in marriage. And the expectations of sex that society sells very cheaply must be put far aside.
Pornography is Not Your Example: People who never got into pornography briefly or as an addiction may not understand what distressful situation they avoided. Pornography is a bad example of what sex looks like (and this applies to both Christians and non-Christians). Carrying an expectation into marriage based on previous exposure to pornography can damage your experience. Pornography feeds on lust and that in itself is pollution to the experience that God has designed for you and your partner.
Be Open and Say What You Want: Talking to your spouse is a huge prerequisite for a healthy sexual relationship in your marriage. Being able to openly communicate the things that you like and the things that make you uncomfortable is very important. Sex in marriage isn’t an automatic blast; it is progression. But not that it isn’t pleasurable, it is just more meaningful and both you and your spouse should feel heard, respected, cared for, and appreciated. Communication is very, very important. If you like being touched a certain way, let your spouse know. If their moaning excites you in sex; let them know. You’ve become one with this person and should be open enough, not only sexually but in communication about sexual things.
Desire and Foreplay: Amanda Scott, a Christian sex therapist, said, “Men want to have sex to feel close but women need to feel close to have sex,” and there aren’t many truer quotes you’ll see about sex in marriage. For some, you’ll feel instant desire, and for others, you’ll grow into desire through connection and suggestion. Whether firsthand or secondhand desire, it is important to carry your partner along, and communication and foreplay are progressive ways to build sexual tension. You’re very free to do sex as pleases both you and your partner, and that’s the thing; it’s you and your partner. This sex isn’t just sex; it is sex that stems out of love - so essentially, do not leave your partner behind or enforce autonomy with scriptures like (1 Corinthians 7:4)“The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.” [NLT]. Enjoy the journey each time and follow along together.
Take Time to Learn Together: This one is straightforward and it isn’t shameful to learn together. Watch informative videos together (not pornography, please 🙏🏾), watch sermons, attend gatherings organized for married couples together, read books together, etc. But don’t be sold into the idea that your partner is supposed to just know how to please you in sex. It is expected that you learn your desires, wants, triggers, bodies, and boundaries together! So enjoy the ride and don’t be ashamed to ask questions.
Get Help As Soon As Possible: If there’s a bump on the road, don’t keep quiet, don’t ignore, and don’t act like it would disappear. An example is with a partner who’s dealing with trauma, if you find it difficult to enjoy or engage in sex, don’t just shut down and ignore or pretend. Get professional help. If your partner has an uncomfortable smell, don’t just ignore or ‘endure’, let them know lovingly and work on it together. If that isn’t working, please don’t be ashamed to get professional help. There are so many things that could come up along the way, and when you both cannot solve them within the home, it is important to get professional help.
Sex is beautiful and desirable, and God created it for enjoyment. He has given us free will, but He created sex for marriage. To be explored between you and your spouse. The covenant before God is an agreement with God that opens you up to the blessings He reserves for ‘the two becoming one’.
