Growing up in a Christian household in the late 90's and early 20's, Sundays were for church and weekday mornings for devotions. Now, I have come to understand the value of these traditions but at the time, it often felt like I was a character in a pre-written script.
I was an inquisitive child and so I had questions. I wanted to explore. I wanted to see and know things, sometimes, way outside my jurisdiction.
I grew up in a routine and I could not, for the life of me, explain why I (or we) had to do certain things.
Most of the activities in church or at home then were valuable but didn't strengthen my relationship with Christ. In their days, it was easy to follow a script to the letter and live a fulfilling life. Wake up by 5 am to pray. Never miss church on Sundays. Fast once every week. Attend workers' meeting. Don't keep bad company. Don't sin. Do's and Don'ts.
Looking back, here are a few things I wish my parents had known to help me navigate my walk with Christ, and build a relationship, not a religion.
1. Know how to answer the "Why".
Many millennials and Gen-Zs today are tired of the church or Jesus' story at large. There are also many others, who only attend church services because they either are afraid of the idea of hell, want to feel like they belong somewhere or have nothing else to do on a Sunday morning.
In a world where a lot of ideologies and systems are being questioned, knowing how to answer the "WHY" is a game changer.
Following the rules was important, but understanding the "why" behind them would've made a big difference. Ephesians 6:1-31. Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do.
2. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise:
3. If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” instructs children to obey their parents, but it also reminds parents to raise them "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Explaining the purpose behind attending church, for example, could have gone beyond the words "It's the right thing to do" to helping create a connection between church and the building of a community of believers, as described in Hebrews 10:2525. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near., would have fostered a deeper appreciation for those gatherings.
2. Intentionally create a safe space.
There were times when I questioned things, but felt hesitant to bring them up for fear of judgment. Some of us didn't even know that it was okay to question things or question how things were done.
Proverbs 18:15 says, "An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge."
It was (and still is) okay to ask questions.
I wish my parents knew that airing your opinions as a child is more opportunity for them to get to know you than it is for problems to occur.
Children need to know that it's ok to talk about how they feel, what they feel, and how they want to address it.
Creating a safe space for open discussion would have allowed me to explore my faith freely and grow in my convictions.
Instead, anxieties lingered, like unanswered prayers or doubts about a particular scripture or doctrine (especially for people who grew up in Orthodox churches).
I wish we talked more openly about the challenges of the Christian faith. I wish we encouraged fellowship as a practice that helped you grow, rather than a compulsory activity to cross off a to-do list.
3. Your children aren't supposed to have it all figured out.
I'm the first daughter of my father and in a typical African home, that's a lottttttttt! Yeah, that's all the extra 't' for the extras I had to do.
It was tough to navigate life like a lone tiger. It was my first time being a child (I mean, I didn't reincarnate).
As an inquisitive child, I craved the opportunity to share my struggles, not just victories. I wanted to be able to get a listening ear regarding anything, not just my wins. I was a genius child so that was tough. 😅 As smart as I was, I also had my struggles. Lots of them actually.
I needed to know that the Bible contains stories of imperfect people like me.
Knowing my parents understood these struggles, and that my faith wasn't dependent on perfection, would have been incredibly comforting.
Beyond creating a safe space, it would have been helpful to have conversations beyond simply "What did you learn today?" Did the sermon resonate with me? Was there a specific verse I found challenging? Engaging in these discussions would have built a deeper connection between my faith and my daily life - Which is what the Christian life is about.
Looking back, I believe my parents' intentions were pure, wanting to raise me in the way of the Lord. However, a little more openness, a focus on understanding rather than just obedience, and a space to share my doubts – could have made a world of difference in my faith journey.
Growing up and finding God for myself, I am starting to realize that as much as it's convenient and comfortable to blame our parents for certain things (even if they are true), growth also means that we do not resent them for it and we extend a lot of grace to them.
We can do better because we know better. As scripture says: "And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, Who bring glad tidings of good things!” - Romans 10:14-15
It's easier to blame people when we know better. There's also every possibility that the generation coming after us will pinpoint 2 or 3 things about how we did something wrong or not good enough.
Again, extending grace to our parents for their inadequacies and owning our share of the responsibilities will help us more.
We are becoming the parents our next generation will review.
